Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
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Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
May have had one breakfast too many
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
As the Lord intended
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is