1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
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I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
This week’s mood.
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right