Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
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a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet