1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
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I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
Well, that should do it
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.