Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
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People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
need him
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets