*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
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Someone should probably go check on Steve.
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief