Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
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why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”