Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
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Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
My dad is at it again
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.