*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
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It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.