Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
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It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..