[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
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my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68fme: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
Me: *in the car naked holding all of my clothes* you have to admit, the party theme was a little misleading
Wife: *driving us home * a gender reveal isn’t a theme.
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
Why am I like this?
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.