GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
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Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
Good morning, Twitter 😊
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
Brb my Sims are getting married
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.