Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
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Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
i now pronounce you bounced.
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.