I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
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wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
Never forget.
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
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Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?