Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
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women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
This pepper has seen some shit
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.