people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
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This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
The instructions say to place the burrito on one microwave safe plate and to put another microwave safe plate on top of it before heating. Were these instructions written by big dishwasher?
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.