Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
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I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.