Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
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If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
Good morning.