I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
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14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.