marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
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*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.