People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
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Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
My what?
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
Nose
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.