Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
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me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*
Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.
Me: *starts another book while I wait*
*two hours later*
Libby app: Your hold is ready.
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll