Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
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My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread