just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
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Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S