Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
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I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
How did we not see this back then?
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home