The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
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Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
the answer was staring at me all along
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
we did it you guys we saved daylight
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”