once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
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Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
new record!
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.