yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
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Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
I finally found a reason to live again.
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
My life coach traded me.
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.