If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
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My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
Should I call tech support or pray or what
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
I was bored.
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones