writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
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You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.