A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
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I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.