I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
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My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’