I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
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*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
I’m half potato on my dad’s side