Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
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I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
Breaking news:
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*