gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
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Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.