*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
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they should invent a hydrating liquor
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone