Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
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Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
I’m giving up for Lent.
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
No selfies while hijacking a train.
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question