“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
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Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
welp
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.