Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
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Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it