If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
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No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
A customer told me they were never coming back….
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.