Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
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#Caturday
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds