(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
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[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
Not now. I’m deglazing.
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
Help Wanted
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
Did…did a minotaur write this
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.