This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
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12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
i really liked this one
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to