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me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
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Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
I was just discussing this with my cat
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches