Ok, but like, how married are you?
You Might Also Like
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend