My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
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I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
ATMs should have breathalyzers
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
My flabber has been gasted.
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there