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Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
this is literally a CIA plant
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.