*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
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Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
October already? What’s next? November????
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.