My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
You Might Also Like
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not