“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
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Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
LOL!
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
I hope google does well on my son’s test
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.